Last month was the Thanksgiving holiday service by the Interfaith Action of Central Texas (I-ACT). This is a wonderful tradition and a powerful representation of community, faith, and friendship. I-ACT does their best to represent as many international faith traditions as possible in one place (in this case, at Riverbend Church of Austin), and the service is organized around a central theme of giving thanks for the goodness in our lives. I have made so many great friends through I-ACT, who along with a sense of faith and neighborliness, help me maintain a great sense of humor. 

Several years ago, someone gave me this “Quick Primer to Major Religions and Philosophies of the World.” It’s been lost in my files for many years, but now, in an almost Biblically fated way, it has been found. 

So, I feel compelled to share it with you now. Please forgive me. Ha ha ha. Sometimes, what connects us all is humor.

—Ray Brimble

A Quick Primer to Major Religions and Philosophies of the World

—author unknown (which is, perhaps, for the best)

Taoism: Shit happens.

Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.

Zen Buddhism: What is the sound of shit happening?

Hinduism: This shit happened before.

Mormonism: This shit is going to happen again, on another planet.

Islam: If shit happens, it is the Will of Allah.

Stoicism: This shit happening is its own reward.

Protestantism: Let this shit happen to someone else.

Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.

Pentecostalism: In Jesus' name, heal this shit!

Catholicism: Shit happens because you deserve it.

Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?

Marxism: This shit is going to hit the fan.

Atheism: No shit.

Seventh Day Adventist: No shit on Saturdays.

Existentialism: Absurd shit.

Agnosticism: What is this shit?

Nihilism: Shit happens but who gives a shit?

Christian Science: This shit is in your mind.

Jehovah's Witnesses: Knock, Knock, have you heard the good shit?

Scientology: Shit happens on page 152 of Dianetics by L. Ron Hubbard, and now it’s donation time.

Hedonism: There's nothing like a good shit happening.

Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit.