Howdy, y’all! I’m speaking to you from hometown, USA: “Rearview, TX.”

It’s year 2020 now, so it’s time to work on our hindsight. Those two go together, yes? And what better place to practice looking back than the tiny berg of Rearview?

Rearview is a special place—it’s where we always fight the last wars, and this time, we win them. We don’t need to spend our valuable time thinking about the future when we can dredge up the past and make it great again.

What’s our secret to winning the last wars? These two simple steps: lying about as many of the outcomes as you can, and then forgetting about any other outcomes for which you cannot think of good enough lies.

We practice a lot of hindsight here in Rearview, as our name might imply. It helps that we have plenty of jackasses and assholes. Let’s just say there’s also a rear-view in Rearview, 24/7. One of the best ways to ensure plenty of hindsight is to make sure that our fellow citizens regularly stick their heads in the copious amounts of sand around here. When things get tough, confusing, or major decisions might be called for, folks go into ostrich mode and this makes sure we always have plenty good views of plenty good rears.

2020 has already started off challenging. So this hindsight thing will be especially valuable. What does this hindsight tell me so far?

The past is always better than the present

I was much more handsome then, and much thinner, but if I think good thoughts I can take this extra weight off in no time.

I knew it all then, way more than you do now.

I could have been something.

If our leaders just lead us back “there” we will be fine.

Things were much simpler then.

Kids today don’t understand how it was done so much better in the past.

There was a certain nobility back then, which we don’t have today.

Those were the glory days. No such glory now.

We will never be as great as the last generation. They get to look down on all of us, forever. 

We have lost our way. They knew exactly where they were going back then.

A nickel would buy you a hotdog and a coke.

I could go on, but you get the drift of my hindsight.

In 2020, here in Rearview, how can we get the genie of these modern times back in the bottle and recapture the magic of yesteryear again?

First of all  it’s imperative that you admit that everything has gone to hell, and that people are jerks these days (particularly anyone younger than you). Next, you need to reinvent the past. They lie about the past now, so you get to set the record straight. If you back up far enough and fast enough, you’ll come around the other side and actually be moving forward. Hmm... this last point would be true, if the earth was round, but since we all know it’s flat, then I guess the “back up to move forward” rule may not work. That leads me to my next suggestion: if any of your particular hindsights don’t actually make sense in hindsight, simply deny you ever made them, accuse your enemies of planting a false flag, and do a mic-drop to signal that you just did some mean jiu-jitsu on those that would doubt the truths you’ve been truthing.

What we’ve learned here in Rearview is that this works every time, even when it doesn’t.

That’s the thing about hindsight: it works every time. Just like our glorious past, it’s flawless. You can make the perfect call every time. That’s why we love it! And that’s why we practice it every day here in Rearview. We want to send y’all out into the next decade with the benefit of our wisdom to fight your silly little wars (which were not nearly as great as our wars), vote in your nasty little elections (when you could just have our predicable gerrymandered outcomes), and make your poor life choices (instead of just following our most excellent rules for a happier, cleaner lifestyle). But because we have such hindsight here in Rearview, we can pretty much predict y’all will not follow our directions very well and will screw up the perfect universe we handed to you on a platter. It’s so predictable.

But y’all go out there anyway and do the best you can, even though it will never be as good as we did it. Happy trails, and greetings from Rearview, Texas.